The Stones

I get that is seems like my happiness revolves around how any given man feels about me at any given time. It's not just that, really. Other things in my life aren't working right now, either. My relationship with my mom is tenative, to say the least. Although I have money today (i did misplace $1200 cash for a few hours yesterday), I worry about how to keep that pot full. and at Dusty's insistance, I am forced to realize that there may be some contributing factors I had not even considered.
I created a project for peace. Inspired at the thought of it, it was born from love and knowledge that we can all have it. I got people interested, and have just left them hanging. without explanation. I have committed to several things that I'd like to do...but suddenly have abandoned them. I think it has to do with realizing my power. I know I have it. If I keep my agreements, I'm gonna have to live up to that. If I sabbotage, then I can just keep flying below the radar--where I don't want to be. You see, I choose this life, and everything in it.
I don't choose people's actions but I choose my responses to them. I choose my interpretations, and I choose my risk level.
Do you know how many rocks I've looked under when it comes to men?
I can't even begin to tell you. There is an imbalance. I am an extreme risk taker there, I think. Whereas, careerwise, I just settle for something blah blah blah because it's dependable and pays my bills. In my family, I just settle for superficial conversations because I can avoid confrontation--and in life, I demand OTHER people be accountable for what is said and unsaid.

There is an abundance of money, joy and love in the universe. It is there for the taking. MY taking. Somewhere I know why I choose not to take.
You see, Kurt, this is my soul selling. In my heaven on earth, also exists a hell of sorts--that I have created. That I have the power to recreate. If only I'd let go.

The following took me away for a few minutes.







At my job I get to hold new babies all the time. As she smiled at me, I took into my arms the child attached to this hand. This child weighed 3 lbs 9oz at birth. Today she weighs in at just over 4and a half pounds. She's so teeny. She and I held each other for a bit this morning. Not for even one split second did I think about choices. Quite honestly, I held her thinking she'd fit inside my womb. I thought of nothing but peace, love and joy.
How appropot was it for Mick Jagger to be singing to me this morning on my way to work...."you can't always get what you waaaant. you can't always get what you waaaant. but if you try sometimes. you just might find. you get whatcha need...."
thanks, Mick~